We sat next to each other, our shoulders touching, it was intimate but somehow distant at the same time. It was not the ‘first time’ feeling, that electricity, those nerves, but it was exhilarating in its own way. Neither of us moved, nobody pulled away or became uncomfortable, we just sat there enjoying the bodies connected.
Then, after a while, I began to feel the rise and fall of her chest, up and down, relaxed, calm, but excited. I listened with my shoulder and my body followed, my breathing matching hers. I focused on the tempo of her breath and my body relaxed into hers. My heart smiled.
It all happens so quickly, you are lost in your own mind, with your own thoughts and things just happen around you. You make up your own narrative and run from one ’emergency’ to the next. Each conversation, each thought is so ‘important’ it is hard to stop.
I tried hard to pause, to think clearly, rationally and tried to normalise some of the situations, but in the end thoughts led to more thoughts and continued to be complex. So I continued to run, continued to make everything complicated, till it all stopped and I wrote it down.
‘There was a world where once I stood, chasing all the things that i knew i could, I would fight and fight with all my might until everything ahead of me was perfect, was just right. But then sometimes those things I thought were good would fade away again and again alone I stood, promises of things so out of my reach teased and tempt me daring me to believe, but in the end nothing would be left and I would struggle for my next breath.
The trap built by thoughts and lonesome minds to find the weak and waste their time. I turned to them and said goodbye and now I’m free to find a true high. Sometimes if you grasp what you want too tight, you might suffocate what makes it right. So let’s not talk of promises and future plans, let’s take the present tenderly in our hands, softly softly until it can grow, watered by laughter, smiles and, well you know. Your heart has been broken, life not your friend, but you will be free, released from your prison and your heart will mend. Your hello hello, your bouncy bounce, your sexy bum, your angry frown, all I know now and it is true, you’re the sexiest girl I ever knew.’
I didn’t understand it. I had so many questions inside my head, but none of the answers that I could come up with made any sense. And the worst part, I couldn’t stop the thoughts, they constantly bombarded my every moment, it was exhausting.
By the time the third day after the break up came around I finally found the energy to pick myself up and do something healthy, to try and make me feel wanted again. Somehow I needed to feel good and worthy. So I did all the things that when I was happy I put off, it’s funny how when you are happy you don’t need to do anything, you feel loved and that’s enough, if you are loved then what you do doesn’t matter, success or failure you will be loved. But when you are down, wow, then you need some medicine.
But after one day of feeling myself again, I saw her, and she was with him. My heart melted and it was back to questions, self doubt and no sleep. I wondered how long it would last, would I feel shit forever? Would the sadness pass? I don’t know, I promised myself that time would heal me, to be patient, but my temper flared and there were moments where I could not control myself I became violent to myself. I was desperate to cry to release everything, but I couldn’t bring the tears, I was numb.
I tried to pick myself up again, restore some energy into my life, but all I could do was think of ways of getting her back. That was the wort thing, all this pain and suffering I was feeling, caused by her, and all I could do was try get her back, return it to the place it was before, the place I had left it, the time when everything between us was natural, when we didn’t have to think, we were just good together. It was magic, like I genuinely believe that it was magic. But was that what she felt at the time? I don’t know, it seemed that way, maybe she was just a great actress.
Joe sat there staring at the lampposts not really thinking about the question.
‘The reflection, it’s pretty isn’t it?’ Clara reiterated just in case Joe hadn’t heard.
‘Yes’ Joe replied softly and then took his eyes from the water and looked at Clara, his heartbeat accelerating. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to say something cheesy like not as pretty as you , but his throat was dry and he could only muster a low grunt. He cursed at himself cleared his throat and looked back at the ocean. Silence returned.
‘My father always said that good art should make your eye race around the image, following the lines. It’s a bit like a painting really isn’t it?’
Joe didn’t know what to say, he felt so awkward, why did he feel so uncomfortable? They were never uncomfortable, they were always together having fun, but now, now he realised he wanted to kiss her it was different, what if she didn’t want to kiss him? That would kill him, best not to try, he coached himself.
‘I like that, my eyes are definitely running around the lines.’ He cursed himself again, what was he talking about. His words sounded so stupid, just think normally, speak normally.
‘Hmmm’ Clara murmured an air of disapproval in her tone.
Joe leant back defeated, but as he placed his hand in the sand to support himself if fell on Clara’s. He flinched, but she did not withdraw, his heart sped up, their fingers interlocked, his breath quickened. Their palms twisted together and their eyes met. He sucked in some air and leant towards her. Their faces were now close he could feel her breath on on his cheek, their breathing accelerated and harmonised, their lips met, discomfort gone.
Life From the Dirt 