Category: feel

Rock

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‘This is a rock’

‘But also a chair’

‘It’s a rock’ Peter re-iterated forcefully.

‘But if I sit down and lean against it… what’s the definition of a chair?’

‘Who cares, you are just manipulating words’

‘I am trying to make a point’

‘Okay what’s your point?’

The two friends had been walking for the last three hours from the campsite to the base of the granite spires. The path had levelled out and the rocks grew up around them, huge white faces towered toward the sky and thick green undergrowth surrounded them. Peter had joined reluctantly on his rest day, on the promise of ‘understanding more about life’.

‘Okay, the point is it doesn’t really matter what it is, it depends on what you are taught, how you grow up and the beliefs you hold yourself accountable to.’ Joe smiled to himself inside, that came out pretty clear. He hadn’t had it that clear in his head before.

‘Okay well I was taught that this is a rock’.

‘Great, but that doesn’t mean it’s a rock to everyone’.

‘So it’s a chair then, who cares’

Joe laughed, Peter was tired.

‘Well no-one in fact, that’s the beauty of the world, we can all choose our different rules as long as we appreciate the fact that not everyone is playing the same game.’

Peter looked at Joe, he frowned, had his mate brought him all the way up the mountain to look at a rock and try to explain that people are different.

Joe continued, ‘not care, should actually be care, you care that everyone has a different perspective different set of rules and you will actually get on better with everyone’

It clicked, Peter looked at Joe, ‘Your talking about Emily aren’t you?’

‘Yea… she is just playing by her rules, the only way she knows how, she see the world different from you, she expect different things.’

‘So what I just get hammered all the time and take her shit. What about my rules?’

‘Your not accepting, you’re demanding’

‘Oh Fuck off Joe’

Joe put his arm around his mate, a friendly giggle came out, ‘now you are thinking.’

Peter pushed him away unable to stop himself smiling inside.

‘Nice fucking rock’! He raised his middle finger and continued along the path.

The Court

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You could almost hear the laughter of the kids, the squeaking of trainers, the crash of the backboard or the swoosh of the net.

People had won and lost on that court, people had smiled and cursed and there was a beauty to its abandonment, the emptiness allowed the mind to search for the stories the place had seen and created.

There is something beautiful about a place and how it can inspire thoughts and ignite the imagination.

But more than that when I re-read her words I feel the need to tell them stories. I remember how the imagination was free to roam and connections came easy. I inhaled and looked into the darkness, through the light. She was beautiful and so at ease. I missed her and I missed a little part of me.

A Little More

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Can you squeeze a little more out of what you have or do, or do you just replace it with something new.

With all the fun there is to be had can you live forever true.

But when you have sucked it all away the glass is empty, just buy a little something else to pick a new energy.

But it is true to say that if, you wait till it is dry there will be nothing left to inspire your inner eye.

So pack away the things you own and throw away the key, keep your eyes wide awake for the world’s simplicity.

Squeeze away, suck out the fun, drain all that it is there, please yourself, burn everyone, but don’t come crying when it is bare.

For the choice is yours, to drain to buy, the newest of the knew, the world has all the answers for all your questions true.

But remember when all is said and done to listen to yourself, ask yourself the question were you sheep or something else?

Between

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Filled up with sounds noises from people with a passion for loud. To hear their own voices lining the net to trawl all the water to gain some respect. 

To drown all the feelings that they have inside to walk the same line to know your beside.

Joined to the masses the majority rules no space for magic, no time for the crude, but I ask you this can you remember the last, time you and sat and stare at the sky watch all the clouds just pass you by.

Sit there and sit there and feel the wave the wave of silence fill the divide. The space between all your thoughts these are the spaces we never were taught. 

So open your eyes and hope you have dust on your wings to help your life spin. 

Something to Say

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At first when I saw her she looked fierce, she skilfully navigated her way in and out of the umbrellas with no more or less than a moment for everyone. When we spoke she corrected my Greek with a smile and moved on. But as time passed I noticed a softness behind her steely demeanour and then out of the blue as we passed on the stairs she spoke to me.

‘I saw your van, wooow… It’s amazing’

I blushed a little mind racing to find something interesting to say. ‘Thanks, it’s super simple though…’ thoughts rattled around in my head like a pin ball… was I sure she was talking about my van? Did she see Jan’s van? When? Fuck. ‘I like it, it’s cool, it’s got everything I need, but it’s simple, you know I don’t have a sink or solar… well I have… but…’ What are you saying? Shut up!! I shouted at myself.

‘I am thinking of buying a van’, she rescued me, now I had something to say.

Instant

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It’s strange, sometimes you just know, you pick your head up and see it. The picture is clear it says something to you straight away. You look them in the eyes and instantly there is a connexion. But then, all the shit gets muddled, the perception of them, the self perception of you and the ‘what’s the right’ just gets in the way, so you stop. You reach the end of the road and that’s that. The eyes don’t look the same, the feeling in the heart is different and there is just a little sadness in the mind. What might have been, what could have been done differently, it all moves away.

I wish I would really seize the moment, capture it, act on it, stretch out that first flash when you saw the picture, when you felt the bite, like the tickle on your teeth when you bite down on a perfectly ripe nectarine. Or maybe if I did it would be awkward and bitter and the reality would be much worse than the thought in the imagination. Maybe the teeth would just find the stone.

Laughter

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Her laugh, that’s what did it, she would start talking in a kind of mumble, struggling to make her point, then punctuate the words with laughter making her sentence incomprehensible. The laughter would start light but deepen and as it did, she became more and more desperate to make her point. Unfortunately more often than not she failed, hamstrung by her own happiness. After a moment or so her laughter would be so deep that no air could pass into her body, she would end up silencing herself. But it was sooo contagious, all I ever wanted to do was to hear that silence.

The Break Up

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I didn’t understand it. I had so many questions inside my head, but none of the answers that I could come up with made any sense. And the worst part, I couldn’t stop the thoughts, they constantly bombarded my every moment, it was exhausting.

By the time the third day after the break up came around I finally found the energy to pick myself up and do something healthy, to try and make me feel wanted again. Somehow I needed to feel good and worthy. So I did all the things that when I was happy I put off, it’s funny how when you are happy you don’t need to do anything, you feel loved and that’s enough, if you are loved then what you do doesn’t matter, success or failure you will be loved. But when you are down, wow, then you need some medicine.

But after one day of feeling myself again, I saw her, and she was with him. My heart melted and it was back to questions, self doubt and no sleep. I wondered how long it would last, would I feel shit forever? Would the sadness pass? I don’t know, I promised myself that time would heal me, to be patient, but my temper flared and there were moments where I could not control myself I became violent to myself. I was desperate to cry to release everything, but I couldn’t bring the tears, I was numb.

I tried to pick myself up again, restore some energy into my life, but all I could do was think of ways of getting her back. That was the wort thing, all this pain and suffering I was feeling, caused by her, and all I could do was try get her back, return it to the place it was before, the place I had left it, the time when everything between us was natural, when we didn’t have to think, we were just good together. It was magic, like I genuinely believe that it was magic. But was that what she felt at the time? I don’t know, it seemed that way, maybe she was just a great actress.

Sometimes Leaves Go Up

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They ran, they ran and ran, they couldn’t stop, not to think, not to look, not to pause for thought. They were making all the wrong decisions, they went right instead of left, they tried to scramble when they should have stuck to the path. They called to each other when they needed silence. But they tried. They both knew that there was a way, they both wanted to find a way, but every decision they made ended in a clash and because of this, they stopped. They stopped trying to escape and were caught.

And here only when hope was gone, when captivity was inevitable did they see each other, they felt each others touch, the pain and friction between them melted away, they looked into each other’s eyes and their hearts beat together. Despite the desperation in their situation, they smiled and felt the warm glow of each other’s love.

They turned away from each other, away from their captors and looked out across the countryside, the landscape was wild, unkept, the terrain uneven and the fauna sharp and aggressive. But there was a peacefulness to the energy, an acceptance from the couple in their fate. They smiled together and looked up to the clouds. As they stared towards the sky the autumn leaves rose up above them swirling, spinning, drifting, bouncing like a butterfly… sometimes leaves go up.

Big Kids

Posted in art, blue vein, challenge, Childhood, children's story, drama, Everything, feel, friendship, game, imagination, macro, old, Play, scene, story, thoughts, toyTagged , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Things moved fast, life didn’t change much, but there never seemed to be a moment to pause. There was always someone to chat to or laugh with, and you were always close to them, parked up next door or across the road. You could drive somewhere else, but inevitably someone would turn up and then play would resume.

The funniest times were when crews with children turned up, two little rat-bags running around the wild, covered in dirt, but beaming with smiles. It was great to see them play, their imaginations were alive, their toys broken but ingrained with evidence of many stories.

It made me think about our own family, maybe we were all just a bunch of big kids and moving fast wasn’t such a bad thing, maybe it kept our own imaginations alive.