It’s strange, sometimes you just know, you pick your head up and see it. The picture is clear it says something to you straight away. You look them in the eyes and instantly there is a connexion. But then, all the shit gets muddled, the perception of them, the self perception of you and the ‘what’s the right’ just gets in the way, so you stop. You reach the end of the road and that’s that. The eyes don’t look the same, the feeling in the heart is different and there is just a little sadness in the mind. What might have been, what could have been done differently, it all moves away.
I wish I would really seize the moment, capture it, act on it, stretch out that first flash when you saw the picture, when you felt the bite, like the tickle on your teeth when you bite down on a perfectly ripe nectarine. Or maybe if I did it would be awkward and bitter and the reality would be much worse than the thought in the imagination. Maybe the teeth would just find the stone.
‘Right we got seven minutes.’ Sean said as they walked purposefully through the maze of shelves, using the light from their phones to illuminate their path to the counter. They jumped over and entered the office closing the door behind them. On a wooden desk they saw the safe perched precariously on top, a large dial and lock on the front. Sean handed Biola the scrap of paper and put the key in the lock.
‘read out the numbers’
Biola responded.
‘clockwise – 18’
Sean twisted the dial so the number 18 was in line with the red marker at the top of the dial where 12 would be on a clock.
‘Anti-clockwise – 33’ Again Sean twisted the dial, but this time in the opposite direction. ‘clockwise – 46’
The dial make a click as if something had released behind the door, they looked at each other and then Sean turned the key with the red tag in the lock. It ran smoothly, and there was a louder click as the heavy door swung open with its own weight and the angle of the desk the safe was sitting upon.
‘Boooom’ Biola cried as he peered into the safe, there were wads and wads of cash, it seemed like more than they had anticipated, it looked like something out of Ocean’s Eleven, it felt like Ocean’s Eleven, maybe they had more than they were expecting? Maybe they could all go home with 5K Biola thought.
‘Shhhhh’ Sean interrupted. ‘Pass me the bag’ Biola paused ‘The bag’ Sean demanded raising his voice a little.
Biola looked around as if he had dropped the bag, but he knew straight away that he had forgotten it, it wasn’t even in the car, he knew exactly where it was, he knew it was back at the flat on the sofa in Sean’s living room.
‘Sh*t man, sorry..’ Sean looked up at him, ‘you kidding me? You chump. F**k man’
But this was no time to despair, The clock was ticking and they needed a solution. Sean was thinking quickly.
‘Get some X-change bags’ ‘From where?’ Biola replied ‘F**k knows, behind the counter.’ Sean guessed
Biola quickly responded walking out of the office to the area behind the counter. He started looking through the cupboards, nothing in the first, then he looked into the second, just a load of random stationary and plastic figures from cartoons and computer games that mostly came as freebees when new games came into the shop to help promote the new releases. Biola opened the third door and there was a stack of plastic bags neatly folded.
‘Yees bruv’ he called out to Sean, ‘How many do we want?’ ‘Bring two’ Sean estimated.
They stuffed all the notes into the plastic bags, the wads mainly in tens, a few twenties and some blocks of fives. The denominations low to reflect the value of the sales that the shop made to its customers.
‘Pikeys’ Sean murmured under his breath as if he was justifying the robbery to himself by creating a Robin Hood type of persona.
‘Right, lets go, check Tyrell is cool.’ Sean indicated as he pushed the safe door shut turned the key and picked up his bag.
Her laugh, that’s what did it, she would start talking in a kind of mumble, struggling to make her point, then punctuate the words with laughter making her sentence incomprehensible. The laughter would start light but deepen and as it did, she became more and more desperate to make her point. Unfortunately more often than not she failed, hamstrung by her own happiness. After a moment or so her laughter would be so deep that no air could pass into her body, she would end up silencing herself. But it was sooo contagious, all I ever wanted to do was to hear that silence.
I didn’t understand it. I had so many questions inside my head, but none of the answers that I could come up with made any sense. And the worst part, I couldn’t stop the thoughts, they constantly bombarded my every moment, it was exhausting.
By the time the third day after the break up came around I finally found the energy to pick myself up and do something healthy, to try and make me feel wanted again. Somehow I needed to feel good and worthy. So I did all the things that when I was happy I put off, it’s funny how when you are happy you don’t need to do anything, you feel loved and that’s enough, if you are loved then what you do doesn’t matter, success or failure you will be loved. But when you are down, wow, then you need some medicine.
But after one day of feeling myself again, I saw her, and she was with him. My heart melted and it was back to questions, self doubt and no sleep. I wondered how long it would last, would I feel shit forever? Would the sadness pass? I don’t know, I promised myself that time would heal me, to be patient, but my temper flared and there were moments where I could not control myself I became violent to myself. I was desperate to cry to release everything, but I couldn’t bring the tears, I was numb.
I tried to pick myself up again, restore some energy into my life, but all I could do was think of ways of getting her back. That was the wort thing, all this pain and suffering I was feeling, caused by her, and all I could do was try get her back, return it to the place it was before, the place I had left it, the time when everything between us was natural, when we didn’t have to think, we were just good together. It was magic, like I genuinely believe that it was magic. But was that what she felt at the time? I don’t know, it seemed that way, maybe she was just a great actress.
They ran, they ran and ran, they couldn’t stop, not to think, not to look, not to pause for thought. They were making all the wrong decisions, they went right instead of left, they tried to scramble when they should have stuck to the path. They called to each other when they needed silence. But they tried. They both knew that there was a way, they both wanted to find a way, but every decision they made ended in a clash and because of this, they stopped. They stopped trying to escape and were caught.
And here only when hope was gone, when captivity was inevitable did they see each other, they felt each others touch, the pain and friction between them melted away, they looked into each other’s eyes and their hearts beat together. Despite the desperation in their situation, they smiled and felt the warm glow of each other’s love.
They turned away from each other, away from their captors and looked out across the countryside, the landscape was wild, unkept, the terrain uneven and the fauna sharp and aggressive. But there was a peacefulness to the energy, an acceptance from the couple in their fate. They smiled together and looked up to the clouds. As they stared towards the sky the autumn leaves rose up above them swirling, spinning, drifting, bouncing like a butterfly… sometimes leaves go up.
The boys hid in the reeds watching through the mist. They were pretty certain the hunters had gone, but there was no guarantee that they would not return.
‘So what’s the plan?’
‘We need to get the shotgun cartridges.’
‘How do we know where they are?’
‘We don’t that’s why we have to go and have a look.’
‘So they might not even be in the hut, they could have taken them with them.’
Joseph and Andrew had been set another task, this time however it wasn’t part of the initiation it was part of what they did, causing chaos. Out on the lake there were a series of huts on stilts for the duck hunters. The lake wasn’t fenced so the boys could get to the hut without ‘trespassing’, but out in the open, on the lake, there was a high possibility of being spotted and perhaps shot at, deliberately or by accident.
‘Why do we need the cartridges anyway?’
‘Look it’s not our job to ask questions, you have to wait a few years before you can ask questions. Robin will have a plan.’
‘You think he has a gun?’ Joseph asked, Andrew paused letting the words bounce around in his head.
‘I don’t know’ he answered honestly, thinking about the repercussions of getting shot gun cartridges for a real gun. ‘That’s not for thinking abut now, we got to get what we have been told to get and then… Well then we think about the next…’ He trailed off.
Joseph frowned unsatisfied by the answer, but wasn’t brave enough to challenge any more. ‘Shall we swim?’
The boys took off their shirts, trousers and lowered themselves into the water. It was August, but the lake was still cold, the cold ran through their bodies as they tiptoed into the water, clay oozing up in-between their toes. Taking one last breath Andrew lowered his chest into the water and started swimming. Quietly Joseph followed.
It didn’t take them long to arrive at the hut, they circled the building weaving in and out of the pillars in the water looking for some steps up. The poles were slippery, coated in green slime, but at the back Joseph found some steps, he beckoned to Andrew and they hauled themselves onto the platform.
Shivering the two boys scanned the lake’s perimeter, the mist was thick and their movements seemed to have gone unnoticed. Andrew knelt down by the entrance, pressing his ear to the door checking for signs of activity inside. Joseph flicked his head toward Andrew as if to ask if he could hear anything. Andrew shook his head in response, stood clasped the handle, paused, twisted and burst into the room.
It was empty, well, uninhabited at least. There was a sigh of relief and the boys set to work looking for shotgun cartridges.
‘Anything?’ Joesph asked
‘It’s all fishing stuff, bait, rods, tins of meat, look at this’ Andrew held up a tin of smoked sardines, ‘this box is full, I think whoever comes here has a bit of an addiction. You?’
‘Nope, petrol cans, blankets and cooking stuff.’
‘Any shot guns?’ The boys laughed. ‘Joe hold on, come here.’ Andrew had pulled back an old tarpaulin revealing a crate. Joseph crossed the room.
‘What you got?’
‘Shot gun cartridges’ Andrew replied looking at his mate and then back to a red box with ammunition written on it and a drawing of shot gun cartridges. Joseph reached down picked it up and opened the lid.
Money was coming into the town, which was good for the villagers, but meant that they had to put up with the habits of the newcomers, some of which were more tolerable than others. But there were some, who lived alone, that were still not accustomed to seeing new faces. They were known in the village as the mountain people for the obvious reason that they lived in small shacks high in the mountains. They farmed the land and kept livestock so the after affects of the blackout had had little effect on them.
The reliance on the blue vein had disabled many people’s ability to think for themselves but these people still had the old skills and their customs hadn’t changed for many years.
As the newcomers grew in numbers so did their interest in the wider countryside.
James stood in the cave that overlooked the valley his eyes fixated on the three men that were moving down the hillside, they slowly traversed down the earthy goat path making sure not to slip on the loose terrain. He had not seen any foreigners in a long time, but he didn’t want them to see him, so he picked up his satchel and made his way back to the hut.
‘So you want to be one of us?’ Robin announced after a long hiatus, Joseph nodded in reply. ‘Well it’s not that easy you know…’ Joseph didn’t flinch, kept control of his emotions and looked back into Robin’s eyes, not too fiercely, but enough to show he could stand his ground.
‘We can test him first’ Andrew chimed in.
‘Of course we’re gonna test him, everyone gets tested.’ Andrew looked away sheepishly. ‘You think you are up for that?’ he added talking to the new recruit.
Joseph looked up from the floor and nodded, ‘I am fast, what do I have to do?’
The crew nodded at each other. The boys were all sitting in the attic of the ruin at the top of the village, they had transformed it into a base for their crew and met each weekend to organise their next mission. Today was the induction of a new lad, Joseph, who had just arrived in town.
There was some chatter between the crew and after a few moments Joseph turned to the new boy.
‘Okay listen and listen good, I am only gonna say this once.’ Silence fell around the room. ‘First we gonna blindfold you and take you to the centre of town, you gotta find Mr Finlay’s shop and get into the attic, I’ll give you a clue, there is an old fire escape at the back, it’s not solid but if you are quick you’ll get up it.’ The boys all looked at each other, sly smiles emerging on their faces. ‘Then once you are up there you gotta open one of his old chests, I ain’t gonna tell which one you gotta go for, but you gotta find a skull, the bigger the better.’ Robin paused and signalled around the room with his eyes.
Joseph followed his gaze and saw seven or eight large unidentified skulls hanging on a rope high in the room. He hadn’t noticed them before. Robin continued.
‘Once you got the skull you gotta make you way through the alley ways and back to us, but watch out there maybe a few extra challenges on the way.’
They had been walking through the night and were tired, not only from the lack of sleep, but from the mental fatigue. Hopping from shadow to shadow had taken its toll and the two of them were ready to rest their eyes.
They had followed the gorge for the last few hours and as they rounded the bend they saw the entrance to the cave. James stopped turned to Tom and lowered his hand gently to the floor. Understanding the instruction Tom sank to the ground and crawled on his belly to the rock that James was using for cover.
James pointed at his eyes with a forked fore and middle finger and then pointed at the cave. At the entrance stood a fridge, some chairs stacked on top of each other, what looked like an electricity cable running to the apex of the roof and a beautifully tiled floor.
Tom shook his head and they shrank to the the ground and onto their backs staring up at the stars in the sky.
‘No way’ Tom said
‘I am shattered mate, I can’t keep going and the sun will come up soon, then what?’
‘It’s too dangerous, look at it people live there, it’s not like some abandoned goat shelter, people look like they have made a home there.’
‘Well what do you suggest then? We just keep walking until the sun comes up and we collapse on the road!’
‘James’ Tom said sternly ‘I am not trying to be shitty I am as tired as you are, but you heard what they said about bandits on this road, that, over there looks like bandit territory.’
‘Remember that sign we saw yesterday, with the shot gun holes in it.’ James rocked his head sideways in agreement, ‘well I for one don’t want to be used for target practice.’
James sighed and the pair turned from their eyes from sky back down to the cave.
‘Okay, well I am gonna sleep here then, I can’t go on anymore, you can take first watch.’
There was a loud crack like a stick being broken, then the sound of rocks falling towards them. James and Tom both sat up straight fatigue vanishing in an instance.
‘Were you asleep?’ James blurted out
‘No… yea… I don’t know.’ Tom replied panicking
‘For F*** Sake!’
More stones tumbled towards them and then a deep voice from above. What was shouted they could not comprehend, but they didn’t wait for the translation. The two boys leapt up and bolted down the mountain side. Slipping and sliding, hopping, jumping and falling they scrambled towards the cave. A shot rang out behind them.
‘Which way?’ Tom called out.
‘The cave’ James replied
Crack! another shot rang out
‘No way, the gorge, go downstream. We gotta get to the river. Go go go…’
Life From the Dirt 