Category: thoughts

The Break Up

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I didn’t understand it. I had so many questions inside my head, but none of the answers that I could come up with made any sense. And the worst part, I couldn’t stop the thoughts, they constantly bombarded my every moment, it was exhausting.

By the time the third day after the break up came around I finally found the energy to pick myself up and do something healthy, to try and make me feel wanted again. Somehow I needed to feel good and worthy. So I did all the things that when I was happy I put off, it’s funny how when you are happy you don’t need to do anything, you feel loved and that’s enough, if you are loved then what you do doesn’t matter, success or failure you will be loved. But when you are down, wow, then you need some medicine.

But after one day of feeling myself again, I saw her, and she was with him. My heart melted and it was back to questions, self doubt and no sleep. I wondered how long it would last, would I feel shit forever? Would the sadness pass? I don’t know, I promised myself that time would heal me, to be patient, but my temper flared and there were moments where I could not control myself I became violent to myself. I was desperate to cry to release everything, but I couldn’t bring the tears, I was numb.

I tried to pick myself up again, restore some energy into my life, but all I could do was think of ways of getting her back. That was the wort thing, all this pain and suffering I was feeling, caused by her, and all I could do was try get her back, return it to the place it was before, the place I had left it, the time when everything between us was natural, when we didn’t have to think, we were just good together. It was magic, like I genuinely believe that it was magic. But was that what she felt at the time? I don’t know, it seemed that way, maybe she was just a great actress.

Big Kids

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Things moved fast, life didn’t change much, but there never seemed to be a moment to pause. There was always someone to chat to or laugh with, and you were always close to them, parked up next door or across the road. You could drive somewhere else, but inevitably someone would turn up and then play would resume.

The funniest times were when crews with children turned up, two little rat-bags running around the wild, covered in dirt, but beaming with smiles. It was great to see them play, their imaginations were alive, their toys broken but ingrained with evidence of many stories.

It made me think about our own family, maybe we were all just a bunch of big kids and moving fast wasn’t such a bad thing, maybe it kept our own imaginations alive.

A Little Magic

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Sometimes I have to tell myself to look around, to stop and appreciate what’s around me. But most of the time I just stare at the rock. It’s hard to look around when your focus is elsewhere. But one day I will, it will probably be too late and I will have missed the chance of a good view, but I promise myself, when I am old and can’t climb as much, I will stop to look around.

Despite promising himself the time to look around was going to be later, Matty was surprised. He was up early at the top of the cliff, he and his climbing partner James had stayed the night on the rocks and were preparing to continue their assent. Dawn was breaking and the light was blue. Matty turned to look at the pitches below him, to seek out the valley floor, but his view was interrupted by the clouds marching in below him.

The valley quickly filled and Matty nudged his mate to wake him. James opened his eyes slowly, sat up on the ledge and let his sleepy eyes dance across the bed of clouds.

‘Wow’ he announced, ‘That’s pretty fuckin cool’.

The two climbers sat in silence breathing in the air letting nature show off in front of them.

Two hours later and the boys were climbing again, making their final push to the top of the cliff, as Matty sat in his harness belaying his friend he thought back to the morning clouds and the excitement they had inspired. Taking his eyes off the rock face he looked to the sky. Above him Vultures circled flying down to his level, swooping below him and then in wide arcs returning up, out of the valley into the clear blue sky. It was a beautiful sound as they passed, huge wings beating slowly, majestically, Matty could almost feel the air they pushed in his direction. He smiled to himself. He smiled back at mother nature.

‘Safe’ James called. The signal that he was secure at the anchor of the pitch. It was his turn to climb.

Bad News

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I didn’t really know what to think, so I sat in silence. Looking out at the ridge line waiting for the sunset to do its thing. And it did, those pinky blues lit up the horizon silhouetting the almond tree. But it wasn’t enough, the silence was uncomfortable, my thoughts confused. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to feel.

I sat there longer annoyed at myself for thinking about how I was supposed to feel rather than working out how I actually felt, but every time I tried to really feel I couldn’t draw the emotion out. So I sat in silence my emotions numb.

Moving Sound

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The beat flowed, the bodies followed, it was steady, continuous, but fluctuating. The rhythm held the dancers, kept them still for moments and then released them, allowing them to express their own interpretation of the music.

Hands united, eyes focused, pupils widened. Those that played were lost in the beat, those that danced felt the sound waves, felt the music as if it were an object hanging in the air. As they danced they moved the sounds around like a giant Rubik’s Cube, twisting and turning, spinning and falling. They played and danced till the sun had gone and returned. They smiled and laughed and the next day they thought. They sat and watched the horizon, mind stumbling to find last nights clarity.

A Trap

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We were promised everything. It had never happened to me before but we walked into the room, ready for a fight and… There was no resistance, no maybe, no we will think about it, no no’s! Just yes… It was unerring.

Before we went into the meeting we had discussed what we were willing to give up and what we wanted to fight for, but when all of those things were granted, I have to admit, we were a bit weak asking for more, timid. But they granted us more anyway. We were basically promised the world, so we gave in, we just accepted that all things were going to be great and signed.

And it was not like they didn’t deliver, for the first three months we couldn’t believe it, we were given everything that they promised, all the tools we needed and all the extra resources we asked for, we were swimming in luxury.

But then it changed, however it was not them who changed things, it was us, we had been drowning in the good stuff and it was suffocating. We just didn’t have any fight, any edge, we lost our spark, our willingness to think creatively, we just expected things to be there in place and for people to get it.

We had it so we expected everyone else too as well. But that’s not how it works. Some people out there are still fighting, searching, they have the edge. We were just stuck in the honey pot with all the others who have it, or at least think they have it.

Touch

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‘I can’t explain it’

‘Well try’

‘It’s like you and the water are united you feel the power of pachamama running through you, everything else stops, you just feel…’ Sophie turned to the mountain standing in front of them, then up to the sky. ‘… I don’t know, you feel alive.’

‘Well that sounds all well and good, but you can feel alive in lots of other ways and not have to spend years rolling around in the mud.’

Sophie turned to her sister and looked at her, frustrated, she had heard all these arguments before, you should do this, you should do that. Initially it had angered her, but she had grown to accept it. However this was her sister and she wanted her to feel, to understand what she was talking about.

‘How many times have you woken up on Monday and felt your head pounding, looked at your alarm clock and feared the week ahead?’

‘Eeeeeerrr… like every Monday.’

‘How many times have you got to Friday and felt a huge sense of relief?’

‘Comon Sophie… get to the point.’

‘Well I don’t have that… ever… Not the Monday/Friday bit, but the sense of anxiety and the huge sense of relief. It doesn’t exist in my life. I just have me and a sense of me.’

Sophie’s sister tool a moment to think.

‘But you worry about some shit. I mean you have to, money for example, you have to have money to eat and you have to eat, or does the land magically provide some spiritual nourishment that replaces the bodily need for food!’ She laughed at her sister and a little at her own joke.

‘Shut up’ Sophie replied playfully. ‘Look of course there are things that I need to survive, I am just saying that the drastic opposites are not healthy, the ups and downs. Everything I experience is much simpler. I have what I have, if I need more I work a way to get it, but I don’t fight with the world or the expectations society places upon us. It’s just nature and me and…’

She paused thinking of the times it literally had been just her and nature, times when she had been very lonely. Then continued. ‘It can be lonely, but you find joy in other living things and this reminds you that you are alive.’

Sophie’s sister smiled a comforting smile, ‘I think I like my iphone too much.’

They both laughed.