Category: emotion

Rich in Rocks

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The pace of the afternoon was slow, but the heat made slow the only possible choice. As with all times like these the second hand did it’s best impersonation of the minute hand and the mind began to race.

Jamie stood there staring at the group of his fellow climbers and wished his mind would stop, I suppose the constant inputs from the boredom machines, the social sites and the constant comparisons had trained the mind to move fast. Removed the ability of the mind to go slow or encouraged the mind to constantly evaluate. He shook his body like a dog shaking his fur after being told off by his master, literally shaking the anxiety from his body.

‘So what do you do for money?’ The tall blonde man said to Jamie, surprising him. Jamie looked around the cliff checking that the question was directed at him.

‘Ummm…’ Jamie stuttered, not entirely sure how to answer. ‘I have an apartment I rent.’

‘Perfect’ the tall blonde man replied ‘That’s great, I mean that’s all you need’.

‘Yea… But it won’t last forever. I mean at some point I will have to do something else.’

The blonde man smiled at Jamie and stood up. ‘Well when you need to you will. And at that point you will be rich, rich in rocks.’

It sounded like he was going to continue, but he didn’t, he just walked away clasping the hand of his daughter. Jamie stared at the back of the couple confused but finally the second hand slowed, his shoulders relaxed, the race was run.

Old and New

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James stood there looking out at the horizon. He smiled to himself as the blues and pinks blurred together where the sky met the sea. He raised his hand, held an imaginary brush and started to paint, softening the lines where the colours met, blending them together in his mind.

After five minutes of work, the colours started to change, he stopped, sat on the tree stump and cocked his head.

‘needs more orange’ he said to himself out loud…

…and continued, dipping his brush into the pallet and detailing the new colour infusion. How quickly things change, how hard was it to capture a moment. His thoughts drifted away from the make believe painting to how the horizon might have looked before the huge electricity poles, before all the houses and industry soaked up the water of the valley like a sponge. ‘I bet even then the sunset then would have been different. Green perhaps?’ he laughed to himself.

His thoughts continued a pace, ‘maybe 30 years ago the electricity poles would have looked so ugly on the horizon, but now they are strangely attractive, I wonder what human ugliness will bring next, and how we will start to love it.’

Shit

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You never know… People have got all sorts of stuff inside them, it’s hard to see, even when it all comes out. I suppose it is just all the bullshit they have consumed mashed into some weird ball of emotion. They push it around the place and the crazy thing is, as they move it gets bigger and bigger. I don’t think they even realise what they are going to do with it all.

But I suppose all you can do is help them carry it. You just gotta deal with other people’s shit.

Run

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It all happens so quickly, you are lost in your own mind, with your own thoughts and things just happen around you. You make up your own narrative and run from one ’emergency’ to the next. Each conversation, each thought is so ‘important’ it is hard to stop.

I tried hard to pause, to think clearly, rationally and tried to normalise some of the situations, but in the end thoughts led to more thoughts and continued to be complex. So I continued to run, continued to make everything complicated, till it all stopped and I wrote it down.

‘There was a world where once I stood, chasing all the things that i knew i could, I would fight and fight with all my might until everything ahead of me was perfect, was just right. But then sometimes those things I thought were good would fade away again and again alone I stood, promises of things so out of my reach teased and tempt me daring me to believe, but in the end nothing would be left and I would struggle for my next breath.

The trap built by thoughts and lonesome minds to find the weak and waste their time. I turned to them and said goodbye and now I’m free to find a true high. Sometimes if you grasp what you want too tight, you might suffocate what makes it right. So let’s not talk of promises and future plans, let’s take the present tenderly in our hands, softly softly until it can grow, watered by laughter, smiles and, well you know. Your heart has been broken, life not your friend, but you will be free, released from your prison and your heart will mend. Your hello hello, your bouncy bounce, your sexy bum, your angry frown, all I know now and it is true, you’re the sexiest girl I ever knew.’

Laughter

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Her laugh, that’s what did it, she would start talking in a kind of mumble, struggling to make her point, then punctuate the words with laughter making her sentence incomprehensible. The laughter would start light but deepen and as it did, she became more and more desperate to make her point. Unfortunately more often than not she failed, hamstrung by her own happiness. After a moment or so her laughter would be so deep that no air could pass into her body, she would end up silencing herself. But it was sooo contagious, all I ever wanted to do was to hear that silence.

Dragons

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I remember playing with the kids, I remember what it was like to step into a room of children and feel their expectations. They were always ready to have fun and cause mischief. But the greatest thing about the children is that they didn’t carry any of the adult shit their heads, their minds were simple and they saw the beauty and excitement in everything.

That’s what inspired my journey, that’s why I left the city I wanted to look and to stare at the simple things, see the beauty in the ugliness, see the beauty in all the small things that we ignore. I wanted to look at things with a child’s eyes, to not worry about what everyone thought, to turn the brain off and kindle the excitement inside me for the world and the people in it.

… and so I did, I stopped to look at things and found Dragons.

The Break Up

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I didn’t understand it. I had so many questions inside my head, but none of the answers that I could come up with made any sense. And the worst part, I couldn’t stop the thoughts, they constantly bombarded my every moment, it was exhausting.

By the time the third day after the break up came around I finally found the energy to pick myself up and do something healthy, to try and make me feel wanted again. Somehow I needed to feel good and worthy. So I did all the things that when I was happy I put off, it’s funny how when you are happy you don’t need to do anything, you feel loved and that’s enough, if you are loved then what you do doesn’t matter, success or failure you will be loved. But when you are down, wow, then you need some medicine.

But after one day of feeling myself again, I saw her, and she was with him. My heart melted and it was back to questions, self doubt and no sleep. I wondered how long it would last, would I feel shit forever? Would the sadness pass? I don’t know, I promised myself that time would heal me, to be patient, but my temper flared and there were moments where I could not control myself I became violent to myself. I was desperate to cry to release everything, but I couldn’t bring the tears, I was numb.

I tried to pick myself up again, restore some energy into my life, but all I could do was think of ways of getting her back. That was the wort thing, all this pain and suffering I was feeling, caused by her, and all I could do was try get her back, return it to the place it was before, the place I had left it, the time when everything between us was natural, when we didn’t have to think, we were just good together. It was magic, like I genuinely believe that it was magic. But was that what she felt at the time? I don’t know, it seemed that way, maybe she was just a great actress.