I woke up early, but wanted to sleep more. My body was tired from the walk. I felt like I wanted to go again, to hike up the hill and try hard, but another part of me thought it would be better to rest.
Then the mind started to tick remembering last night and that smile. It was okay, the beers and the laughter, although slowing me down was worth it, just to see her bounce around.
I rolled over to the cold side of the pillow, a little laughter emerged from my heart. I was stuck again, what would come out of this new turn?
We all sat there listening, but the day had been long and the workshops tiring. It felt like the heat from the sun had been bottled and poured into the room, the doors sealed, windows locked, suffocating our minds. But we tried. The content of the lecture was interesting but concentration hard. As I looked around the room I saw many yawns growing and eyes shutting, but I scolded myself and listened.
It is interesting when you start to think, words and sentences connect to your experiences and thoughts and then you start to make sense of a conversation you are having in your head, but then, something in the explanation doesn’t add up or there are words you don’t want to hear, so you change the narrative to make it fit. I suppose you will always see what you want to see, but the difficult part is to know what you are looking for.
I kept listening trying to come to a conclusion, but in the end it seemed like the lecturer was offering a silver bullet, the answer, he made his thoughts clear and told us the truth. I felt anxious, it wasn’t the truth I wanted to hear, but in made a lot of sense. Was I willing to listen to it? I suppose only time will tell. Are we all so similar that we can analyse behaviour and find the answer, or is life a little more individual than that. I hope we are more individual.
The lecture stopped and they opened the doors, a rush of cool evening air poured in and my mind immediately felt refreshed, time and thoughts, time and thoughts I said to myself. But not too many thoughts.
We sat next to each other, our shoulders touching, it was intimate but somehow distant at the same time. It was not the ‘first time’ feeling, that electricity, those nerves, but it was exhilarating in its own way. Neither of us moved, nobody pulled away or became uncomfortable, we just sat there enjoying the bodies connected.
Then, after a while, I began to feel the rise and fall of her chest, up and down, relaxed, calm, but excited. I listened with my shoulder and my body followed, my breathing matching hers. I focused on the tempo of her breath and my body relaxed into hers. My heart smiled.
Life From the Dirt 