It was strange, I must of sat with her talking a million times, feeling at home at ease. But something had changed, I felt a pressure to say something, to inspire, to placate, I dunno but the atmosphere was uneasy.

I tried to be upbeat, to ask questions, to feel engaged with her life, but I didn’t care, the more I listened the more I got frustrated with her words, nothing mattered, nothing made me laugh or smile or think. I just sat there numb.

After… before, every time we met I thought about myself, I questioned if it was me who was being a dick or if she had changed or if she was just old, did I just need a little more patience. But I couldn’t find it, I couldn’t find anything that we linked on. God I sound awful, this is becoming a rant.

She seemed to have lost some of her kindness, a gentleness that makes people so attractive, an inner smile and the ability to laugh at oneself. She had become combative, like a war had risen up against her. We had always teased her, gently though, but she was the one you went to. She was always the one who knew the answers.

I exhaled and thought more, we were just in different worlds now. And every time I described it I felt defensive towards it and aggressive against it. I didn’t like me like that, so I stayed numb.

Maybe it was because she knew he was leaving, maybe she knew she would have to be brave. Maybe she felt guilty that she had made him hold on, I don’t know, but it was not the same, the family had changed.